September 23,2010

My Last post was in March of this year, I was so looking forward to my reunion. It turned out to be quite nice. I really would have like to have been part of the planning, but it seems, the powers who be didn't need any help, and did a great job..
I had my birthday turn another year older, and getting a bit wiser as I go, My son and my nieces and husband made it special for me. My Daughter so as she is ignored the fact that I was ever born.
She is the reason I have decided to post today, it is my blog so I figure I can voice my op ion on my blog. I find it impossible to understand how flesh and blood can shut out another family member unless of course their is some kind of abuse. That would be understandable. I have questioned at lenght, to her my own feeble brain, and what I get is its not you mom its me. I have gone to therapy, and was told to confront her, which is really hard to do when I am not even talk to when I have called. txt, and Now her new deal is I am blocked from txting. Which I totalling understand. I had decided if she wont talk to me I will just text her every so often and tell her how much I love her and miss her voice, and so on, so she blocked me. God knows I couldn't talk to her because my phone calls would go unanswered.. The way I found out she was blocking my txts is when I txted to let her know her uncle had died.. True we were not close to her uncle, but I felt she would want to hear it from her then family. This has been the last straw. I get it.. She doesn't want a mother, she doesn't want to be my daughter, I have always tried to give my children everything they have ever wanted that was in my power. I am now Letting go. It has been over 2 years since I have talked with her, and it has been years since she she as acted like she wanted to be around me, unless it was for her connivance, (she needed money) Well now she doesn't need me for money, and for my checking account that is great, however I didn't want to lose my daughter to get my checking account back. But If what she wants is to be motherless, Wham she is motherless.. I will not bother with the heart ache of why, I will not put the effort out to fix it. I have given until I can give no more. I AM DONE!!!!
I wish her no harm, but I feel we have reached an impass that can not be fixed.. Even if she were of mind to try, I have had to shut my heart (what is left of it) off to any feeling I had for her. I never thought anyone could be so cruel, expecelly a child who was given so much and loved so completely. You just never know..

Now back to my Now life, I have been going though some interesting times, trying to sell this house. Apparently God has a plan.. And its for us to live here. We have this beautiful house, and hour and a half from baton rouge. It could be worse It could be a shack and have to live here. Jerry retire the end of this year.. I am appehesive about this.. His retirement should be okay, its just going to be a bit to adjust to.
He and I have been working though some trust issues I never thought in a million years I would have to worry with after we would have been married for over 30 years.. For 30 years I have had no reason not to trust Jerry, and Now all of a sudden, the past has caught up with him.. we are working though this, but it make me feel as though the last 30 years have been built on lies.. Was I just too busy raising my children? Was it something I should have noticed? What should I do now? so many question, So I just type away. Because as I said I am in a impasse.
On a brighter note, Tim and Ginny came for the weekend, well they came in Friday and stayed sat. I got a new Mac Pro and Tim and Ginny were a lot of help with the transition. We grilled steaks and ate until we popped.
Jerry had been sick with the flu or something for a few days, he is just getting better.. We also found out Sunday that Jerry's oldest brother James Edward Died of a massive heart attack in walmart. He has not been a close family member, but Jerry showed no emotion. which really put me in a tail spin. It made me realize that if he hadn't talked with his brother, in 20 years, and was oh okay, about it, How cold this Garner family could be, which really made me realize this might not be a temp thing with Brandie.. I Really thought if i gave her space I am a bit clingy, that in time she would come around, well after over 2 years, I had to realize not gonna happen, I should have realized it, these Garners, are capable of holding a grudge seriously forever, and not accepting responsibility for any of their actions, they will drain you of every ounce of your attention, self esteem, attention if it fits their need, then can drop you like dog poop in a second. enough about that..
We had three dogs last I wrote, and since then i found homes for all of them except one, which was a baby, her name is Cloe, I though this would be good, except she really needed a playmate, so we just found one, that we named Phee, she is such a lovable puppy and its a good thing because my Cloe is not happy to share her mama time.
My sister recently had an operation, which caused a real tiff between us, and I really didn't understand it at all, She moved back down here after living nearly 20 years in Virginia and I have busted my back side trying to make everything as easy on her as possible, bringing her here and there, staying at her house so she would have company because no one visits her, and bringing her around with me, and on and on.. then when she had this operation, I was suppose to bring her to the hospital it wast day surg, and I had been sick with a lot of things, but my back kept getting more and more, and finally i just had to tell her I was not able to come in, (drive 1 and half) their, then sleep on hard sofa, then sit at the hosp for 5 hours or so, because the last time I brought her, she loaded up on Med, and the doc wasn't even able to do the operation because she had convinced him she had a torn ligament in her shoulder, and didn't so she was in recovery for over 3 hours, getting pain killers, until i finally got worried and they had about run out of pain killers for her and she finally went home. Anyway I just couldn't physically go, I couldn't sit in a recliner for over a hour without hurting, so I told her. so this was wed so wed afternoon she was not talking to me, (answering my phone calls, or txt) Thursday not answering, Friday was surg, nothing, went into surg without talking to me, at all, then was upset with me because i was pissed.. She could have died, and all i would have remember was I wasn't there for her.. She tried to wiggle out of this like that's not true blah blah denied denied denied.. never happened I am so tired of people who do stuff, and cant own up to their crappy behavior.. when i do crappy stuff and I do.. I have to apology, and I don't let someone else think its their fault I was crappy..
Well if you have taken the time to read this. Sorry its my vent page.. but have to gt it out. Sadly its not all, I am just tired of typing.. TTFN

.We are almost at the end of March, and starting of April.. In april I will be going to my 40th class reunion.. I remember when I use to see adds for 40th and 50th reunions I would pictures old people arriving in wheel chairs from the nursing homes.. Thankfully, this is not the case with most of the ones I know, perhaps if I live long enough for the 50th I may be doing just that, I will be quite old then.. I am looking forward to seeing all of my old friends of old.. I went to the 30th and it was really nice.. I didnt really recognized many people, we have lived out of town for most of my younger years. Jerry will be coming with me this year, that will be fun.. We are having Tim and his new Friend coming this weekend, I am looking forward to meeting her, from what Tim has said she is very special. We are planning our crawfish boil of the beginning of the crawfish year, I have been sampling them, they are a good batch this year. I truly enjoy having everyone over for our Yearly crawfish boil. Its fun to see where everyone is in there life,, This year some have had new additions, which I am looking forward to seeing, some have just gotten married since last year, and some have just found out they will be new parents in the near future, it is always fun to see and talk with them.. We are in the process of selling our home, Jerry is Retiring this year, so hopefully my beautiful home will make someone else happy, and we will be able to find a new home just as nice to move closer to family.. We have a new puppy her name is Cloe she is a snorky, she is a mess.. full of energy, we have found homes for our other two dogs, they are happy in there new homes. I will sign off now..

I was going to post this on face book but my son will be glad I didnt.. A friend of mine, sent me an innocent email about how 50..'s mom's were.. I looked at it I knew it was suppose to be strange that people lived like that, but I was born in the early 50's and my mom and family and friends did actually act like that.. they would wear their apron, head scarfs, dusting and vacuuming, cooking, visiting gossiping over the fence, or sometimes go to a friends house for a play date, for the kids and some r and r for the adults to talk and drink coffee.. It was a calmer time in life.. There world was around there family. My mom wouldnt be what I would have classified as my best friend when I was growing up. Her job was to make sure my needs were taken care of, that I grew up to be a strong independ adult. She was there for me if I skinned my knee, or someone hurt my feelings, she would hug me and tell me everything would be alright. But my friend, I would hae classified my brother as my best friend, my Aunt Ree as my best friend, my mom was a mom.. She taught me all the things I needed to survive in this world.. She taught me to be honest, to stand up for my self, she taught me the value of doing you very best at everything you do. It still maybe not be correct, but that wasnt what matter, it was that I had did my best.. She whipped me when i needed, and loved me when i needed, taught me when i needed it, and was proud of me, even though I never felt, proud of myself.. I was lucky that she was my mom.. and I was lucky enough to also be able to say that as I grew up to be that awesome person she was grilling me to be, I can truely say she was also my best friend.. I lost my mom when I was 33 years old, to cancer.. We had a rocky patch when I hit my teens, and luckly we became best bud before I was 20. My only regret, is I lost her way to early.. So you gals, and guys out there if and when you have a child that says youre not there friend, they just mean (right now) Cuz its not there job to be your friend, there job is to make you strong enough to raise the next generation to be just as awesome as you turned out to be.. love me

This has been a heck of a month for me and its only half way over.. I usually have a full speed ahead plan, and a clear head on whats up next for me.. I am sitting here, on January 19th, with nothing planned.. You have to understand, I am a person that on a normal month know what I am going to do at least 3 week in advance. I have no plans for tomorrow.. I have so much to be thankful for.. I have to healthy children who have turned out to be very self suffectant adults. They have rocky times like all of us.. I know I thought once I got to an age I would know everything, well at my age I am still learning everyday, that there is more to learn.. It use to give me such joy to watch my children absorb life with so much gusto. They were fearless, crhallengling, and a joy to be there mom.. I hear of other moms who talk about the trials that they had raising there children, I had normal children I expected them to be normal, my job was to make sure they turned out to be the best that they could be.. I had a lot of emotional problems after I had my son, with a lot of support from my family and friends I got though most of the problems, hopefully with little fall out.. I always say that god wanted me to stay home with my children is why I was aflected with agoriphobia, it is a desease where you at times can not even go outside your house by your self.. which I had to endure, I overcame that, and with time and therapy learn to stay alone with my children. I was unable to drive for almost 10 years, so I was also unable to work a normal job for that time,, I did work other jobs such as avon, tupperware, at times Jerry was unemployed and would drive me to work so that I could work temp with Kelly services. I did this quite offen. Jerry worked construction, for quite a while, until he w able to go to work with the prison system.. Jerry has always been good about working, and supporting our family.. we were no where near rich, or even comfortable secure, but we never went hungry. We have been blessed, to have lived many places.. Jerry was offered a job with the governemnt and we moved to Texas for 8 years, it was there that I resumed my driving.. I went back to work, but I apparently wasnt very happy, I gain a lot of weight.. I met a lot of good friends, worked a lot of great jobs, and lived in a beautiful home. But I was never home, My home was always in baton rouge, I put on a big smile, a tried to make the best of a situation I had no control over, I worked at an airline, and put my kids on a plane, so they wouldnt lose there roots. although I wasnt making much money working for the airline, and had little time to go anywhere, i thought i was doing what was best. Hind sight, maybe that wasnt what was best for my family.. who know, we lived there for 8 years, then we moved to colorado, it was so beautiful there, but again it came with thorns, my only daughter moved to mississippi, she had been unhappy in texas, for quite a while I thought it was a stage she was going though, then when we prepared to moved she said she really wanted to go and live with her cousin, so i agreed . I thought it would be for a little while then she would want to come back to her family. That never happened. My son flurished , he was so loved in colorado, his studies went great his people skills were great, except for not having my daughter, and being so far from my home town it was nearly perfect. Then I went home to visit and realized I was missing everyone growing up, then I was noticing that my great nieces were growing up, then I wanted to move back. Now we are here.. A mere hour and a half.. from my home town, in a beautiful home, Jerry is about to retire, now we are about to sell our home and finally move to my home town. We will read this again next year and see how this goes..