September 23,2010

My Last post was in March of this year, I was so looking forward to my reunion. It turned out to be quite nice. I really would have like to have been part of the planning, but it seems, the powers who be didn't need any help, and did a great job..
I had my birthday turn another year older, and getting a bit wiser as I go, My son and my nieces and husband made it special for me. My Daughter so as she is ignored the fact that I was ever born.
She is the reason I have decided to post today, it is my blog so I figure I can voice my op ion on my blog. I find it impossible to understand how flesh and blood can shut out another family member unless of course their is some kind of abuse. That would be understandable. I have questioned at lenght, to her my own feeble brain, and what I get is its not you mom its me. I have gone to therapy, and was told to confront her, which is really hard to do when I am not even talk to when I have called. txt, and Now her new deal is I am blocked from txting. Which I totalling understand. I had decided if she wont talk to me I will just text her every so often and tell her how much I love her and miss her voice, and so on, so she blocked me. God knows I couldn't talk to her because my phone calls would go unanswered.. The way I found out she was blocking my txts is when I txted to let her know her uncle had died.. True we were not close to her uncle, but I felt she would want to hear it from her then family. This has been the last straw. I get it.. She doesn't want a mother, she doesn't want to be my daughter, I have always tried to give my children everything they have ever wanted that was in my power. I am now Letting go. It has been over 2 years since I have talked with her, and it has been years since she she as acted like she wanted to be around me, unless it was for her connivance, (she needed money) Well now she doesn't need me for money, and for my checking account that is great, however I didn't want to lose my daughter to get my checking account back. But If what she wants is to be motherless, Wham she is motherless.. I will not bother with the heart ache of why, I will not put the effort out to fix it. I have given until I can give no more. I AM DONE!!!!
I wish her no harm, but I feel we have reached an impass that can not be fixed.. Even if she were of mind to try, I have had to shut my heart (what is left of it) off to any feeling I had for her. I never thought anyone could be so cruel, expecelly a child who was given so much and loved so completely. You just never know..

Now back to my Now life, I have been going though some interesting times, trying to sell this house. Apparently God has a plan.. And its for us to live here. We have this beautiful house, and hour and a half from baton rouge. It could be worse It could be a shack and have to live here. Jerry retire the end of this year.. I am appehesive about this.. His retirement should be okay, its just going to be a bit to adjust to.
He and I have been working though some trust issues I never thought in a million years I would have to worry with after we would have been married for over 30 years.. For 30 years I have had no reason not to trust Jerry, and Now all of a sudden, the past has caught up with him.. we are working though this, but it make me feel as though the last 30 years have been built on lies.. Was I just too busy raising my children? Was it something I should have noticed? What should I do now? so many question, So I just type away. Because as I said I am in a impasse.
On a brighter note, Tim and Ginny came for the weekend, well they came in Friday and stayed sat. I got a new Mac Pro and Tim and Ginny were a lot of help with the transition. We grilled steaks and ate until we popped.
Jerry had been sick with the flu or something for a few days, he is just getting better.. We also found out Sunday that Jerry's oldest brother James Edward Died of a massive heart attack in walmart. He has not been a close family member, but Jerry showed no emotion. which really put me in a tail spin. It made me realize that if he hadn't talked with his brother, in 20 years, and was oh okay, about it, How cold this Garner family could be, which really made me realize this might not be a temp thing with Brandie.. I Really thought if i gave her space I am a bit clingy, that in time she would come around, well after over 2 years, I had to realize not gonna happen, I should have realized it, these Garners, are capable of holding a grudge seriously forever, and not accepting responsibility for any of their actions, they will drain you of every ounce of your attention, self esteem, attention if it fits their need, then can drop you like dog poop in a second. enough about that..
We had three dogs last I wrote, and since then i found homes for all of them except one, which was a baby, her name is Cloe, I though this would be good, except she really needed a playmate, so we just found one, that we named Phee, she is such a lovable puppy and its a good thing because my Cloe is not happy to share her mama time.
My sister recently had an operation, which caused a real tiff between us, and I really didn't understand it at all, She moved back down here after living nearly 20 years in Virginia and I have busted my back side trying to make everything as easy on her as possible, bringing her here and there, staying at her house so she would have company because no one visits her, and bringing her around with me, and on and on.. then when she had this operation, I was suppose to bring her to the hospital it wast day surg, and I had been sick with a lot of things, but my back kept getting more and more, and finally i just had to tell her I was not able to come in, (drive 1 and half) their, then sleep on hard sofa, then sit at the hosp for 5 hours or so, because the last time I brought her, she loaded up on Med, and the doc wasn't even able to do the operation because she had convinced him she had a torn ligament in her shoulder, and didn't so she was in recovery for over 3 hours, getting pain killers, until i finally got worried and they had about run out of pain killers for her and she finally went home. Anyway I just couldn't physically go, I couldn't sit in a recliner for over a hour without hurting, so I told her. so this was wed so wed afternoon she was not talking to me, (answering my phone calls, or txt) Thursday not answering, Friday was surg, nothing, went into surg without talking to me, at all, then was upset with me because i was pissed.. She could have died, and all i would have remember was I wasn't there for her.. She tried to wiggle out of this like that's not true blah blah denied denied denied.. never happened I am so tired of people who do stuff, and cant own up to their crappy behavior.. when i do crappy stuff and I do.. I have to apology, and I don't let someone else think its their fault I was crappy..
Well if you have taken the time to read this. Sorry its my vent page.. but have to gt it out. Sadly its not all, I am just tired of typing.. TTFN